As I sit here in my bedroom, typing, Ukie Girl, pronouced Eww-k-ee (formally known as Camo Kid) is watching a movie, Princess I-Don’t-Care-For-Pink-Anymore is on the couch watching a movie, and Football Fan is downstairs watching television too. We have been fighting one form of sickness or another since at least December 15. Ukie Girl and I are on the tail end of the yuckies; Football Fan and PIDCFP (see unabbreviated name above) have the energy of dehydrated noodles. Fighting fevers for at least 48 hours seems to do that to big people and little people…
I hear the wind howling outside and I’m pretty sure the garage is colder than the freezer that is in said garage. The dogs are stir-crazy for want of playing outside and yet when they go outside to do their thing, they end up doing a doggy style tippy-toe ballet. Tutus for pittie pups?
Football Fan and I celebrated 22 years of marriage on December 16th, Christmas has come and gone and we didn’t get around to sending out Christmas cards. New Years came and went and the sparkling grape juice is still in the fridge chilling. And here we are on the 6th of January 2018… It looks like a promising year so far! (Yes, there is a smidgen of sarcasm in that last sentence.)
This time 3 years ago, I was going through chemo and had lost most of my hair. I was allowed the privilege to bear the burden of ‘all things cancer’ not knowing what that meant. Even today, I am still learning what it means to carry that burden.
I still say that it’s 10% physical and 90% mental.
I still battle the incompleteness that my deformed body presents to me. I still battle the broken expectations of the future. I still battle the side-effects that neuropathy, chemo brain, fatigue, and surgically-induced menopause so generously endowed me.
As I have been working through all of the above and even so much more, I want to share my focus right now. In Psalms 40, David write this:
“I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.
How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust, and has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.
Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us; there is none to compare with You.
If I would declare and speak of them, they would be too numerous to count.
Sacrifice and meal offering You have not desired; my ears You have opened; burnt offering and sin offering You have not required.
Then I said, “Behold, I come; in the scroll of the book it is written of me.
I delight to do Your will, O my God; Your Law is within my heart.”
I have proclaimed glad tidings of righteousness in the great congregation; behold, I will not restrain my lips, O Lord, You know.
I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart; I have spoken of Your faithfulness and Your salvation; I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth from the great congregation.
You, O Lord, will not withhold Your compassion from me; Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me.
For evils beyond number have surrounded me; my iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to see; they are more numerous than the hairs of my head, and my heart has failed me.
Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me; make haste, O Lord, to help me.
Let those be ashamed and humiliated together who seek my life to destroy it; let those be turned back and dishonored who delight in my hurt. let those be appalled because of their shame who say to me, “Aha, aha!”
Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; let those who love Your salvation say continually, “The Lord be magnified!”
Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me.
You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God.”
It is the noted bold passages that I am focusing my attentions on right now.
The wonders that He has done… They are too numerous to count.
Can you even imagine?!
Some time ago, a godly couple whom Football Fan and I admire greatly encouraged me to live victoriously because of the work God was doing in my life. I stared at her, stunned. Victorious? How does a person do that? I had never lived a ‘victorious’ life.
I had lived a life of surviving, attempting to thrive. That’s what I do…
I adapt; I survive.
And I dream of thriving…
I survived not knowing my biological father. I survived being sexually abused by my step-father. I survived postpartum depression. I survived a miscarriage. I survived being ‘a pastor’s wife’. I survived cancer. I survived the heartache of broken relationships because I was trying to survive these things. Through every step of surviving, He was there with me. I was growing in my relationship with my God, my Creator; I was thriving. Wasn’t that victorious living?
Victorious living is “Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us; there is none to compare with You. If I would declare and speak of them, they would be too numerous to count… Then I said, “Behold, I come; in the scroll of the book it is written of me. I delight to do Your will, O my God; Your Law is within my heart.”
Did you read that? “I delight to do your will, O my God;” And that my smiley (or non-smiley) friends is my focus right now.
What burden has He allowed you the privilege of bearing right now?
Will you join me in declaring and speaking the many wonders that He has done for us?