Yes, I am.
I am out of touch with reality.
With your reality, that is…
My reality is on a tremendous learning curve right now.
Christmas of 2016 was interesting because when you’ve been told 5 1/2 months earlier that you have a cancer that will never go away, a cancer that will end your life, you tend to look at things differently.
Things like, will I have the opportunity to celebrate another Christmas with my blessed little family?
Life goes on for you and everyone else, but your version of ‘life goes on‘ looks a lot different than someone else’s ‘life goes on‘.
I am learning how to suffer graciously. I am learning how to answer comments and inquiries graciously. I am learning how to act graciously in environments that have no idea what cancer and its treatments do to a person on an internal level. And I am learning, at this moment, to be honest, with you, regardless of how much I love all things smiley… or how much I am out of touch with your reality.
Being out of touch with ‘reality‘ is the hard part though because I’m barely treading water in my own reality right now…
Football Fan and the G’s.
(That’s what I call my girls, Camo Kid and Princess Pink, as a unit!).
This is what my energy level and physical capabilities can manage right now. Friends? Family? Most days, they seem like just a memory. There’s a handful that make the effort to inquire no matter if I get back to them or not. The rest, well, I’m learning not to dwell on what I cannot accomplish. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. I just… can’t.
And that is exactly where I’m suppose to be…
It’s a very lonely place to be. I can’t be who you want me to be. I’m empty. My blessed little family doesn’t even get the best part of me anymore; they just get the tired wife and mom. Even now, I am avoiding going to bed… Most nights of sleep have to be accompanied with sleep medicine in order to combat the pain and/or the insomnia. Since November, I have been having hand/wrist/arm issues in addition to all my other cancer-related issues. It could be anything and it could be nothing. I just know that at nights, when I lie down, it’s not conducive to good sleep and that, with the ever present spinal issues, makes for long nights and slow mornings. And long nights of non-regenerative sleep make for even longer days… and several ‘longer days’ make for ‘I really can’t’.
Have I been honest enough?
Here, let me be just a little bit more honest then:
Can’t is okay.
In fact, it’s perfect.
I think I might’ve just put the oxy in the moron…
Nothing better than a perfect can’t!
It’s when you’ve reach can’t that you are ready to learn… and if what you believe determines what you choose, then folks, that’s where the process of learning to empty yourself of you and fill yourself with Him begins.
Welcome to my reality!
It is the perfect place to be…